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Jokes and Funny Stories

 
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

 "Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

 Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

 "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

 

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

 After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

 The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

 The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man."

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived . Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed.

 "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

  • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

 

  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 

  • Which side of the chicken has the most feathers?
    The outside

 

  • Two wrongs are only the beginning.

 

  • Why do cows wear bells?
    Because their horns don't work
 
  • What do you get when you cross a parrot and a centipede?
    A walkie-talkie

 

  • Why do hens lay eggs?
    If they dropped them, they'd break

 

  • Why do seagulls live near the sea?
    If they lived near the bay, they'd be bagels

  • Eleven things dogs don't understand

1.   It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.
2.   It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.
3.   He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet.
4.   The cats have every right to be in the living room.
5.   Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid
6.   No, we said SIT
7.   I know its a nice leg, but don't ride it.
8.   Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk
9.   Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can.
10. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and feed     you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.
11.  No, it's my food....Oh alright then, just a small piece.

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