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I'm a Christian, not by
anything that I have done, but by everything that Jesus
has done. His love He showed for me by dying on the cross.
His endless grace by forgiving my sins, my past,
everything that I was before Knew Him.
Before I was a Christian, I was a Satanist. I became
involved in Satanism at as a freshman in high school.
Before my freshman year I had read books on Satanism, such
as the Satanic Bible. I also played with Ouija boards, and
tarot cards and I was ready to move on.
I was raised in church. Every Sunday my family would go to
church. I felt as though it were fake. It seemed that
people just went to look good, and impress those around
them. It bored me, God wasn't real, I thought He hated me.
So I would return the favor and hate him back. In my mind
Satan was the only one who answered my calls for help.
I was wrong.
I found other people involved in Satanism who gladly took
me in and were willing to teach me. I became an active
member of a clan. I would go to rituals, learn how weak
God was, His deceptions, all the lies that could be told I
swallowed as truth.
When I graduated from high school my parents kicked me out
of the house. Which wasn't a big deal, my parents and I
didn't get along. I had friends in the occult who got me a
job and an apartment. I knew they were loyal, and would
not abandon me.
One day at work I met a young man named Scott. Scott was
wearing a shirt that had Jesus hanging on a cross with the
words: "This bloods for you" written on it. I
chuckled as I passed Scott and said, "Sure is a lot
of blood on that shirt." Scott said someday I'll tell
you about it. I ignored him for weeks. One day at lunch we
started talking. Scott began to tell me how much God loved
me and nothing I could do would change that love. I just
smiled at Scott and said okay.
I continued going to rituals, and worshiping Satan. I
wasn't happy, although I was surrounded by people all the
time, I knew I didn't care about them, and they didn't
care about me. Scott would come by my apartment with his
friends and it would be different. They would talk to each
other with openness and trust. Where when I was with my
friends I was afraid to be open with them, I knew I
couldn't trust them.
Scott and I continued to talk. What he was saying about
Gods love began to trouble me. I hated. I hated
everything, I hated life, I hated those around me, and I
hated myself. Here was a God, and a man willing to accept
me in spite of all that. I didn't have to change for that
acceptance, where in the occult I had to hate to be
I began to skip ritual meetings. Which you cannot do. I
started to break ties with those who were in the clan and
I began to go back to church. Just to listen and watch.
One night after church I was sitting and waiting for some
friends when this older lady came up to me and says
"God told me to talk to you." I looked at her
like she was nuts and didn't answer. She introduced
herself as Karla and gave me her phone number. As she gave
me her number she said that God told her I needed help and
when I was ready to accept that help to give her a call.
My thought as I took Karla's phone number was.
"Whatever. God doesn't know me. He can't know me, I'm
As a result of missing too many ritual meetings the high
priest and those above me called me into a meeting. They
told me to stop going to church, speaking to Scott, and
above all else to come to the rituals.
What does Satan teach; rebellion. So I rebelled. I didn't
listen to what the high priest and others told me to do. I
continued to talk to Scott, and miss ritual meetings.
The high priest called me in again before my elders and
demanded that I stop attending church, and speaking to
Scott. I asked him, "If Jesus is really such a bad
guy, and He hates me so much why did he die for me? Why
does he still claim to love me? Whey are you afraid for me
to go to church?"
The high priest became enraged and said that he would
bestow the highest honor he could on me. I would be
sacrificed to Satan on March 21st. I would give my life in
service to Satan.
I left the meeting numb and afraid. I knew I was going to
die. Who could I ask for help? I hated Christians, and the
only other people I knew were Satanists. I decided to take
a chance and tell Scott. When I told Scott that I
was a Satanist, he just loved me all the more. He told me
that God still loved me, my involvement hadn't changed
that. I then told him what the clan's plan for me was, and
the only person I could think to call was Karla.
Karla, even though she didn't know me from Adam she agreed
to help. She came and got me and I stayed at her house. I
took from my apartment only my cloths packed in suite
cases. Karla made phone calls to people all over the
United States to find a place for me to go. The whole time
telling me this would be easier if I were a Christian. I
would say and do what ever it took to get me out of this
mess. So I said a quick sinners prayer and thought that
Two days later I was on a plane to Texas to meet people I
didn't know. I left with only the cloths I had taken from
my apartment, and a few dollars. I had no idea who I was
meeting, I was just told they would be holding a sign with
I arrived in Texas tired, and afraid. I didn't stay in
Texas long, I moved six times in one year because the clan
kept finding me. I ended up in a small town in Oklahoma
where I lived with a youth pastor and his wife. They
continuously reassured me that my past didn't matter, and
that God forgave me. But I was always introduced as the
x-Satanist, never Cicily.
I became home sick. I hadn't spoken to or seen my family
in the three years sense I left the occult. I was tired of
not being a good enough Christian. Of being told I didn't
smile enough, I had too many piercing, and I shouldn't
have a shaved head. I decided I wanted to go home. When I
told the youth pastor and his wife this, I got my past
thrown up in my face. I thought I had fallen for another
lie. My past did matter, I wasn't forgiven, for three
years I had believed another lie.
Again I was wrong.
God, puts people in our lives just as we need them. He did
that again, just as He had done with Scott, and Karla. God
introduced me to another Christian named Denice.
Denice understood my anger at Christians. Where I hated,
Denice loved. When I was impatient she was patient. Where
I rejected her, she accepted me. She explained what a
relationship with God was.
All my time sense I had left the occult I didn't have a
relationship with God. Even though I went to church, and
said all the right things it wasn't a relationship with
God. Denice introduced me to a personal relationship
with Christ. I know what it's like to be forgiven. I know
what it's like to be loved and accepted.
I know above all else God saved me, it isn't who I was
that matters, but that I'm His. Nothing can change that.
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